Ripped Off From Here
Eminem: Annoying Creep or Irritating Twirp?
01/16/2003 - John
A lot of people might be wondering why Ive decided to write the very first article on this virgin website about a performer that, by all accounts, I hate. Now, theres a very good reason for this: Namely, that Im a mean-spirited and contrary person who prefers making uninformed pejorative diatribes to actually doing research and writing something constructive. I hope that clears that up.
So, lets get to the subject of todays article: Rap sensation and all-around phenomenon Eminem. Im sure the man needs no introduction from me. If youre currently breathing without the aid of some kind of apparatus youve no doubt heard of him, and most likely you know more of his song lyrics than you would admit to an elderly relative or potential employer. If youre a fourteen-year-old suburban kid, of course, you already know far more about the subject than is good for you, and I advise you to leave this article and spend your Internet time more rewardingly, by looking at porn, for instance. For that matter, if youre taking my advice, lock yourself away and dont come out until youre 18. I hate teenagers.
Anyways, I wanted to talk a little bit about the various reasons Eminem makes me feel hostile and unpleasant. Now, of course this is just my opinion, and not meant to be taken as any kind of serious musical criticism. Its not that Eminem doesnt have talent; Ill be the first to admit that he does, and a potent talent it is. Specifically, he has the talent of writing songs that I simultaneously hate and cant stop humming to myself. Its like they just seep into my brain, and fester there, and then have the impertinence to actually come out of my mouth at an inopportune time, such as a wake.
Recently hes made a transition to film, in this movie Eight Mile. Apparently hes actually managed to garner some critical acclaim for his performance. Of course, sarcastic people everywhere have noted that theyre very impressed he managed to play a white rapper from Detroit so well. But I think this is jumping the gun; people said the same thing, minus the smugness, about John Malkovich in Being John Malkovich. (I mean playing himself, not playing a white rapper. At least I think I do. I was too busy marveling at how heinous they managed to make Cameron Diaz look to pay much attention.) And look at his contemporaries: Britney Spears seemed to have quite a difficult time with her role as, um, Britney Spears in Trailways or whatever the hell that movie was called. Not that I saw it, of course. On the first night, or anything like that.
Lets back up a bit for a minute, and do a little bit of biography. We all know that Eminem doesnt exactly hail from the loftiest social circles. In fact, if youve even heard Eminems name youve probably also heard about his trailer park origins ad nauseam. Now, far be it from me to belittle someone because they happened to be poor when they were growing up. But near be it to me to belittle them for using it as an excuse to whine to everyone in earshot about it. A lot of people grew up in trailer parks. Did they become mega pop sensations to make themselves feel better? I don't think so. And what really puzzles me is that people just eat this weird monologue right up. I guess its supposed to be like the classic American Success Story, where the disadvantaged young man, through hard work and determination, pulls himself up by his bootstraps to become a success. Just replace hard work and determination with obnoxious music and media attention and success with embarrassing subject for Americans in foreign countries. Horatio Alger would be proud, Im sure, if he werent mostly decomposed.
On the official Eminem website, his biographical spiel contains the following:
Switching schools every two to three months made it difficult to make friends, graduate and to stay out of trouble. Rap, however, became Eminem's solace. Battling schoolmates in the lunchroom brought joy to what was otherwise a painful existence.
I can see how his rap would have helped him through such a difficult period of childhood alienation:
Kids: Ha, ha! Hey, loser, nice shirt!:
Eminem: Warning, this @#%$'s gon be rated R, restricted / You see this bullet hole in my neck? It's self inflicted / Doctor slapped my momma, "Bitch you got a sick kid" / Arrested, molested myself and got convicted!
Kids:
Kids: Ha, ha! Freak! Nice shirt!
Another interesting thing about Eminem is his adoption of multiple personalities. Now I know this may seem like a more appropriate quality for a ward of the state than a famous person, but celebrities actually do it all the time: look at Vin Diesel, actually born as Mark Vincent, and Tom Cruise, whose real name is Charlie Sheen. Or Charlie Sheen, whose actual name is Emilio Estevez. Our hero is currently maintaining three different identities, all of which have a distinct musical style and personality. Lets examine these three changing personas a little more closely:
Eminem as he is most commonly known, is a white rapper who grew up in a trailer park and sings about his personal life in an extremely whiny way.
Slim Shady his bad boy alter ego, is a Caucasian rap artist who came from a poor background and raps about his life in his distinct, irritating style.
Marshall Mathers which is his real name, hails from an urban trailer park but is now a famous rap star, with a style characterized by the gritty versification he brings to rhythm with great aplomb.
As you can see, theres no lack of versatility in his portfolio.
But what really makes Eminem a star, and the object of my personal distaste, is his music. Where, oh where to start? Well, truth be told there are positive things to say about it. Grudgingly. His songs are, in fact, as catchy as Yogi Berra. The beats he comes up with actually manage to be pretty distinctive, as opposed to the usual leaden thumping that many rappers favor. And, no doubt about it, he can make some funny rhymes. So why does he make me want to sew my eyelids shut on the off chance that I might catch sight of him? Well, there are mainly two reasons. First off, his subject matter. Now, Im not the kind of v-neck-sweater-wearing sissy to get my undies in a bunch about a few cuss words. But really, does it need to be something about masturbating on your high school guidance counselor every other line? Please. People are always talking about how hes supposed to be baring his soul or something; First of all, if thats true, his soul is pretty sordid and juvenile and quite frankly Id really prefer it cover up. But my more immediate response is that thats a load of whats traditionally known as crap. Baring his soul? Hes trying (and successfully) to titillate the sensibilities of middle class wannabes. Now, again, thats no cause to dislike someone; its a well-established way to make an honest buck in the music industry. But what makes it so completely repellent is his attitude. Not only does he plague our radios and ears with this drivel, he gets all self-righteous about it. OK, your songs are catchy and funny, and kind of clever. IT DOESNT MAKE YOU FRIKKIN JOHN LENNON. SHUT UP. Nothing annoys me more than to hear him drone on and on about himself like hes some artist boy genius rather than the dirty version of Weird Al.
But I guess when it comes right down to it, my estimation of Eminem is really clouded by one simple fact: that hes a poor derivative of a much greater rapper, a true artist who took the world by storm and is still pushing the envelope of innovation and originality: Wesley Willis. If you want to listen to a schizophrenic rapper of humble origins whose music is both catchy and intensely personal, look no further than this poetic behemoth. Granted, Eminem is scrawny, white and annoying while Wesley is 300 pounds, black and near godlike, but not everything can be as good as the original. I think the man himself puts it best:
Interviewer: What about Eminem, what's your view on him?
Wesley Willis: Eminem's bad.
Interviewer: Bad as in bad or bad as in good?
Wesley Willis: Eminem sucks.
True, true.
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