Like an abusive lover
She pulled me toward her
With promises
And whispered confessions
(Ill do anything you want, Ana.)
Enticing me with beautiful lies
Only to knock me back down
Again
And again
And again
(I deserve this; I forgive you.)
She sucked the life out of me
Like a famished bee
Drawn to a vulnerable flower
Taking taking taking
(You said this was the last time.)
Leaving me dry and shriveled-up
Leaving me gasping and clawing for air
(Please dont give up on me; please stay.)
And when I sleep
I dream of hospitals
(Do you see what you have done?)
Of IVs stabbing
Needles drawing
Vial after vial of blood
(They swore it was the last time.)
Taking taking takinglike Her.
And in my mind I see the feeding-tubes
See the doctors
See the bruises on my arms
That make me look like a strung-out junkie
(I was your discarded work of art)
I feel so lost without Her
Without Her death-grip tightening
Around my throat
Without Her icy fingers
Clutching to me
(I still love you.)
And I wonder what they see
Now
When they look at me:
Does the health on my bones
Mask the sickness in my mind?
Does the light in my eyes
Hide the darkness that still haunts?
(I never wanted it to turn out like this.)
My bed is cold now
No longer warmed by the heat
Of Her power
And Im lonely
And Im fumbling
And Im unsure of who I am
Without Her hovering
Hovering
Telling me what to do.
Ill think of Her still
Seeing the places She touched
Seeing the places She destroyed
(You never really loved me, did you?)
        I am leaving you, Ana
        Pushing you away before I change my mind
        Again
        (Do you hate me for that?)
        And I am replanting my roots
        Growing taller
        Bit by bit
        Inch by inch
        (Who knew the sun could hurt so much?)
        Blooming into my own
        Covering you with my emerging shadow
        (Will you even miss me?)
        Taking up the space
        That is rightfully mine
        (Ill miss you, too; Ill miss you.)
She pulled me toward her
With promises
And whispered confessions
(Ill do anything you want, Ana.)
Enticing me with beautiful lies
Only to knock me back down
Again
And again
And again
(I deserve this; I forgive you.)
She sucked the life out of me
Like a famished bee
Drawn to a vulnerable flower
Taking taking taking
(You said this was the last time.)
Leaving me dry and shriveled-up
Leaving me gasping and clawing for air
(Please dont give up on me; please stay.)
And when I sleep
I dream of hospitals
(Do you see what you have done?)
Of IVs stabbing
Needles drawing
Vial after vial of blood
(They swore it was the last time.)
Taking taking takinglike Her.
And in my mind I see the feeding-tubes
See the doctors
See the bruises on my arms
That make me look like a strung-out junkie
(I was your discarded work of art)
I feel so lost without Her
Without Her death-grip tightening
Around my throat
Without Her icy fingers
Clutching to me
(I still love you.)
And I wonder what they see
Now
When they look at me:
Does the health on my bones
Mask the sickness in my mind?
Does the light in my eyes
Hide the darkness that still haunts?
(I never wanted it to turn out like this.)
My bed is cold now
No longer warmed by the heat
Of Her power
And Im lonely
And Im fumbling
And Im unsure of who I am
Without Her hovering
Hovering
Telling me what to do.
Ill think of Her still
Seeing the places She touched
Seeing the places She destroyed
(You never really loved me, did you?)
        I am leaving you, Ana
        Pushing you away before I change my mind
        Again
        (Do you hate me for that?)
        And I am replanting my roots
        Growing taller
        Bit by bit
        Inch by inch
        (Who knew the sun could hurt so much?)
        Blooming into my own
        Covering you with my emerging shadow
        (Will you even miss me?)
        Taking up the space
        That is rightfully mine
        (Ill miss you, too; Ill miss you.)
My hands hold my elbows, which feel like stones poking my palms. I imagine a body made of stones, knocking sounds when the body walks, no pain when it falls, but people point and whisper, Poor thing, she's got no flesh, she's just a sorry pile of stones
~ excerpt from The Bullet Collection ~
~ excerpt from The Bullet Collection ~
