Welcome, Octogenarian...my take on this piece:

First off, although e e cummings managed to get away with it, he did so by losing all capitals. You've capitalised "Kiki" and "Dawn", which for me, would mean that you also need to capitalise the beginnings of the sentences. There's also a lack of other useful punctuation that would help this one to flow for the reader.

There is a lightness and delicacy about this piece, but some of the phrasing seems a little awkward, particularly the last line of S1, "turn into only trees". Maybe it's just my ear, but there's something about this line that doesn't work for me.

The other thing I'd say is watch out for the line breaks; S3 particularly has some very short lines that don't necessarily need to be that short.

Finally, I think that the message is clear by the end of the second stanza, and although the others are lovely little vignettes on their own, I'd consider pruning this one a little. The longer a poem is, it seems, the less likely it is to be read all the way through - probably a criticism of modern attention spans, but true nonetheless. The longer a poem is, the harder it has to work, and if you are forced to condense a piece, it can be a useful exercise for cutting out any weaker phrases or images that don't add significantly to the whole.

Hope that's of some help! :)




Every new beginning comes from
some other beginnings end...

Why not try a new beginning...
at The Maelstrom...