Welcome to the Rapids, Theresewaneck. Always happy to see new faces around :)

As this is the "light" crit forum, I'll just share a few initial thoughts. I hope they'll be of some help to you.

I have to admit that, like Cosmic Veils, I found this a rather confusing read due primarily to the word choices. I felt as though you were trying to capture something other than Spring in the city and disguising it in metaphor ... and maybe I was just being too slow to catch on. Words like "antiseptic", "destroying", "deathly", "solemnly", "sterile" don't evoke thoughts of Springtime for me and seem very out of step with your closing line. If you would enlighten me as to your intent, I'd very much like to understand.

I don't understand how L3 plays in this. I've never known Spring to kill weeds.

The intermittent use of rhymes/near rhymes does seem to throw this off a bit for me.

I feel a rough transition at L5/L6 -- she's just planted herself .... but now she's travelling and dancing. It seems in disagreement with itself, but that could just be me! I also had a bit of trouble with the imagery of her laying down a bag while dancing ... but again, that could just be me!

Your closing line seems a bit awkward (phrasing) and a little trite to me.

Hope to hear back from you :)



Anyone can write of beauty -- of life, friendship, love everlasting -- but it is those rare, brave souls who dare to live their words that are the true poets of the universe. That is where true beauty lies. ~JaML