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sunset from huanchaco
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Re: sunset from huanchaco
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lnerdr1
Re: sunset from huanchaco
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: 16
Oct 16 06 10:08 AM
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hi,
thanks for your comments
punctuation changes i added, some of them at least. thank you.
i try to use commas to pause the flow of the poem. maybe that's wrong? i don't know.
the word "breath" is a funny word...you can tell someone "to breath", and you can also say something like "your breath smells funky." it can be either noun or verb.
i could be wrong, but i seem to recall the word "breath"[noun] being used to mean a short distance between two things.
" The last line of this stance ends a bit too abruptly for me"
good
i was trying to make it abrupt, i feel like there's a very abrupt end to sunsets. like this big wind-up and then....slurp! it's done.
"Following your picture I asked me however, where is the bosom of the world if the sun dives first in the belly and nestles then in the bosom? Ermm"
how literal you are!
um, i meant that the sun dips below the Seas belly and into the earths bosom. i'm splitting the earth/sea into two seperate creatures, if that makes any sense.
great response, thank you. you gave me things to think about. sometimes non-native speakers can see things that native speakers cannot. your input was much appreciated.
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Guest Archive - Jim's Jottings
Abyssal Plain VIII
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Abyssal Plain IX
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