hi,
thanks for your comments

punctuation changes i added, some of them at least. thank you.

i try to use commas to pause the flow of the poem. maybe that's wrong? i don't know. :)


the word "breath" is a funny word...you can tell someone "to breath", and you can also say something like "your breath smells funky." it can be either noun or verb.
i could be wrong, but i seem to recall the word "breath"[noun] being used to mean a short distance between two things.

" The last line of this stance ends a bit too abruptly for me"
good :)
i was trying to make it abrupt, i feel like there's a very abrupt end to sunsets. like this big wind-up and then....slurp! it's done.

"Following your picture I asked me however, where is the bosom of the world if the sun dives first in the belly and nestles then in the bosom? Ermm"
how literal you are! :D
um, i meant that the sun dips below the Seas belly and into the earths bosom. i'm splitting the earth/sea into two seperate creatures, if that makes any sense.

great response, thank you. you gave me things to think about. sometimes non-native speakers can see things that native speakers cannot. your input was much appreciated.