Hello Inerdr1 :wave

What a lovely picture you are drawing here! I wished I would be there!


Before I comment on your poem, let me warn you, Im very new here, new to poetry and a not native speaker, so my advice may even be wrong. I will give you just my impression, right?

First nitpick: Watch your punctuation! If you use punctuation (full stops) you should capitalise the beginnings of a sentence as well, I think. {JaML, is that ok??}



A
breath beyond the horizons edge,
the sun slips over the pale blue ledge,
dips below the belly of the sea
and nestles no comma ever so softly
into the earth's bosom.

S
oon sea, sky and sand,
mountains, people and land
are each and all tinted dark hues no comma
of scarlet, velvet
and then a deep navy blue.

From the moonlights shimmers
and star clustered skies no comma
the black sea glistens
ever so gently,
and the whole world seems
snugly tucked in a dream
as a breath of the wind
sighs a midsummers breeze.

Now some comments to the poem itself, my impression, others might see it differently.

a breath beyond the horizons edge
the sun slips over the pale blue ledge,
dips below the belly of the sea
and nestles, ever so softly
into the earths bosom.

Im asking me a bit, what is breathing beyond the horizon? If the sun would rise, it would be the sun itself, but now it is still seen over the horizon. Is there something which sucks it in?
The last line of this stance ends a bit too abruptly for me, but that might just be me. Following your picture I asked me however, where is the bosom of the world if the sun dives first in the belly and nestles then in the bosom? Ermm



Soon sea, sky and sand,
mountains, people and land
are each and all tinted dark hues
of scarlet, velvet
and then a deep navy blue.

Velvet is not a colour and though I agree that the texture of a sunset can give you the feeling of velvet, you need to express this a bit differently I think. Maybe just add another colour.

from the moonlights shimmers
and star clustered skies,
the black sea glistens
ever so gently,
and the whole world seems
snugly tucked in a dream
as a breath of the wind
sighs a midsummers breeze.


I like this last image best :)

I have some problems with the rhyme at some points as well, but I leave that to more skilled people :)

***Astropic of the day***

""For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly." ~Don Juan