My 5 cents...(NB - I've avoided reading the other crits first, so apologies for any repetitions!)

L2 - the rhythm is off in this line for me, probably because of the punctuation. The semi colon and the comma together slow it down just a bit too much! Also, "and" is a bit of a filler word, and you've got it twice in that line; I'd look for an alternative if possible.

L2/L3 - there's no comma after "taut", so the line reads "and muscles taut with fortitude (or other cause)". Can muscles be taut with fortitude? Fortitude is usually a mental or emotional state. I accept that mental and emotional states can be the cause of taut muscles, but I'd got for the "other cause" in this case! Alternatively, a comma would indicate that revolutions have been won with blood, steel, muscles, and fortitude, which would make more sense.

L3 (or other cause)...care to expand on that? It seems a bit like a throwaway line, and the rest of the piece is far more specific, so it doesn't really fit.

L3 and L4 start with the same word - perhaps a variant?

L4 adds another "and" that echoes the two in L2. L4 also repeats "pen" from L2. Perhaps the pen is a given, and maybe "what ink's words have begun" (or ink's bile, ink's tone, ink's fears, etc.)


In S2, there's a bit more repetition, and I realise the lines are enjambed, but...L2/L3/L5 all start with "the", and L4 starts with "that". This is one of those times where capitalising the first letter of each line really makes it stand out!

L4 - consider a comma after "weak"?

Upon/Thereupon - derivative rhymes? Might be worth looking for an alternative perhaps? Also, the last line reads:

"and thereupon of future wars were never to be free"

This seems awkward; the obvious word is "therefore", I'm not saying that "thereupon" is totally unacceptable in this context, but it sounds a bit awkward.

Hope that helps! :)



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