Hi, Cosmic Veils -- hope it's alright if I throw in my two cents worth here :)

Looks like you've had fun with this form. I definitely enjoyed the whimsy and humor of this piece (though I've, thankfully, never seen a multi-colored flea! :lol )

Working from your revised version, just a few thoughts here:

In my reading, I think you've really lost the rhythm (which had been rolling along quite nicely) in L6 & L7. It is partly due to the extra syllable in L7, but I think it's also caused simply by word choices here. You seem to pick it up pretty well again from L8 on. It could just be me, though!

I have to question the use of "ponder" when taking into account the subsequent line. "Ponder to" just doesn't work for me. You can ponder something ... you can ponder on something (a particular topic or decision, etc.) ... but I've never heard the phrase "ponder to". Again, it could just be me.

I know English is not your first language, so I thought I'd also point out that ponder/wonder is not a true rhyme ... although they're only one letter different. Ponder has an o sound like the word on; wonder has an o sound like the word one.

In answer to your question: yes, "jumped" is one syllable, so that's fine.

Hope something here is helpful to you :)



Anyone can write of beauty -- of life, friendship, love everlasting -- but it is those rare, brave souls who dare to live their words that are the true poets of the universe. That is where true beauty lies. ~JaML